Full Disclosure is Not Necessary

I learned something at my S-Anon meeting this morning.  I had convinced myself that I was going to have to get all the details of my husband's sexual "acting out" before I could really move on in my own recovery.  But after I put that out today in the meeting, I learned that it's not a necessity.


One of the ladies said she doesn't WANT to know what's going on in her husband's mind.  And if he feels the need to share something that he's thinking or has done, she asks him to check in with his sponsor before he does it, and then she makes sure that he knows that she doesn't want to know all of the gory details of something he saw that triggered him or what went through his head when he saw a particular movie, etc.


What I have concluded is that, in my own situation, I'm just going to say, "Fuck whatever Michael did before his recovery."  Unless there is something that he did that was illegal or that put me in physical danger (i.e. sex outside the marriage that could compromise my physical health), I don't want to know.  I don't need the details of how it all started when he was younger, or how he got to where this all blew up in our faces.  The only good that would come of him telling me any of that is that HE would probably feel immensely better.  And you know what?  That's bullshit.  He can tell his sponsor or the guys in his group and admit all his transgressions.


I, as his wife, have no need to know all the gruesome details, especially when I know myself and I know that I will go over and over it again and again in my head and it will drive me crazier than I already am about all this stuff.


So that's one fear I can take off my list.  The fear of knowing.  Of knowing all the (possibly) disgusting, lurid, details of my husband's sexual acting act.  I'm already scarred enough from what I DO know, and I know enough to know that he's a sex addict.  Isn't that all I need to know at this point?  Why subject myself to any more pain by asking him for any more details?

Living Oblivious vs. Facing Your Demons

I went back to work today for the first time since the move.  I could definitely feel that a load of stress had been lifted...work didn't seem quite so tedious, nor did I dread going home.  When I got back to the condo, it was so pleasant to walk in and not have to deal with anyone but my cats.  The place was empty, quiet, mostly clean, and in a way-- inviting.

As I settled in for the night, I couldn't help but think that maybe this life is what I want.  Isn't that what anyone wants?  Independence?  Freedom?  Less stress?

But then I realized something- yes, this would be the life I would have if I didn't work on any of my problems (i.e. if I lived "obliviously").  That's one thing that this marriage has forced me to do-- face my demons and examine all of my own issues, as painful as they may be.

If I were to divorce my husband now, well, I'd enjoy the independence, freedom, and calm, but they would only last so long.  Deep inside, I would still have these emotional scars, coaddictive and addictive behaviors, and control issues to work on.  I know myself, and I know that if I cut ties with him completely, I would go about my life stifling all of the deep-seated issues...I would just put it off, ignore it, hope it goes away.  But the second I found myself in a another relationship, it would be deja vu all over again.

So I guess the options are:

1. Work on issues now and try to reunite with my husband once I have my shit straight;
2. Work on issues now and realize I don't want to be with my husband;
3. Leave my husband and ignore the issues, only to have them creep up in my life at a later point in time; or,
4. Leave my husband and ignore the issues, and avoid future romantic relationships at all costs because I will undoubtedly attract the same kind of man.

For now my focus is behind door number one.  I did not go into this separation as a time to contemplate the merits of the relationship; I went into the separation knowing that I needed to focus on myself (and that he needed to do the same) to see if we could work it out together in the end.

But the ignoring, the oblivion is so tempting.  Hell, I could live here as long as I want.  I can afford it.  It's a decent place.  My cats will (eventually) get used to it.  No headaches caused by "roommate" or "spousal" issues.  No fighting, no hurt feelings, no neediness.  It all sounds too good to be true!

However, I know that if I choose to ignore all of it, I would eventually end up lonely and (even more) depressed.  I'm already isolating myself from friends...I would end up the cat lady who dies in her apartment and whose cats eat her face off cause no one knows she's dead for days after she croaks.

So I guess there's something to be said for being married/in a committed relationship.  At least there's someone who knows when you're dead so they can keep the cats from devouring you.  Are there any other pluses you can think of?