I learned something at my S-Anon meeting this morning. I had convinced myself that I was going to have to get all the details of my husband's sexual "acting out" before I could really move on in my own recovery. But after I put that out today in the meeting, I learned that it's not a necessity.
One of the ladies said she doesn't WANT to know what's going on in her husband's mind. And if he feels the need to share something that he's thinking or has done, she asks him to check in with his sponsor before he does it, and then she makes sure that he knows that she doesn't want to know all of the gory details of something he saw that triggered him or what went through his head when he saw a particular movie, etc.
What I have concluded is that, in my own situation, I'm just going to say, "Fuck whatever Michael did before his recovery." Unless there is something that he did that was illegal or that put me in physical danger (i.e. sex outside the marriage that could compromise my physical health), I don't want to know. I don't need the details of how it all started when he was younger, or how he got to where this all blew up in our faces. The only good that would come of him telling me any of that is that HE would probably feel immensely better. And you know what? That's bullshit. He can tell his sponsor or the guys in his group and admit all his transgressions.
I, as his wife, have no need to know all the gruesome details, especially when I know myself and I know that I will go over and over it again and again in my head and it will drive me crazier than I already am about all this stuff.
So that's one fear I can take off my list. The fear of knowing. Of knowing all the (possibly) disgusting, lurid, details of my husband's sexual acting act. I'm already scarred enough from what I DO know, and I know enough to know that he's a sex addict. Isn't that all I need to know at this point? Why subject myself to any more pain by asking him for any more details?
No comments:
Post a Comment