Full Disclosure is Not Necessary

I learned something at my S-Anon meeting this morning.  I had convinced myself that I was going to have to get all the details of my husband's sexual "acting out" before I could really move on in my own recovery.  But after I put that out today in the meeting, I learned that it's not a necessity.


One of the ladies said she doesn't WANT to know what's going on in her husband's mind.  And if he feels the need to share something that he's thinking or has done, she asks him to check in with his sponsor before he does it, and then she makes sure that he knows that she doesn't want to know all of the gory details of something he saw that triggered him or what went through his head when he saw a particular movie, etc.


What I have concluded is that, in my own situation, I'm just going to say, "Fuck whatever Michael did before his recovery."  Unless there is something that he did that was illegal or that put me in physical danger (i.e. sex outside the marriage that could compromise my physical health), I don't want to know.  I don't need the details of how it all started when he was younger, or how he got to where this all blew up in our faces.  The only good that would come of him telling me any of that is that HE would probably feel immensely better.  And you know what?  That's bullshit.  He can tell his sponsor or the guys in his group and admit all his transgressions.


I, as his wife, have no need to know all the gruesome details, especially when I know myself and I know that I will go over and over it again and again in my head and it will drive me crazier than I already am about all this stuff.


So that's one fear I can take off my list.  The fear of knowing.  Of knowing all the (possibly) disgusting, lurid, details of my husband's sexual acting act.  I'm already scarred enough from what I DO know, and I know enough to know that he's a sex addict.  Isn't that all I need to know at this point?  Why subject myself to any more pain by asking him for any more details?

Memories of Holly

I've been needing to write this post for awhile, and though it probably won't be interesting to anyone but me- it needs to be put down on paper before I forget about all the wonderful memories I have of my dearly departed kitty, Holly Molly Cottontail.


I think list format will be the easiest...here goes:

• She had the worst kitty breath!
• She was so malleable; you could dance with her and rearrange her on your lap and she would just stay there.
• She was all black, but she had several little white hairs on the front of her chest.
• She liked to jump on my shoulders and let me carry her around like that, especially after I took a shower and she would suck on my wet hair.
• She used to rub her mouth against my face and I could feel her little wet lips against my skin.
• She liked to help make the bed.
• She had a portal-- every time my husband and I were out, we would see another black kitty (because they're everywhere), and we'd say, "Look, it's Holly!  She must have come through her portal!"  And then she would always be back at home when we got there.  We said she was saving the world by going through her portal.
• She had a boyfriend- Pauly C.  He was a black cat that lived outside our house, and Holly would stand by the back door/window and look for him.  One time we came home, and Pauly C. was jumping out of the bushes by our bedroom and we joked that he must've sneaked inside to have a romantic date with Holly.
• She loved ample bosoms!  She loved to curl up on the top of an ample set of knockers (ha!) like they were a table or a shelf where she could lay.
• She was fondly referred to by one of my previous roommates as "Puppy Kitty," because she acted more like a dog than a cat.
• She liked to stretch out on the floor and show us how long she could be: I used to say, "Look how long you are!!!"
• She had rabbit legs-- my other cat, Bella, has chicken legs.  But Holly had rabbit legs.  When she would lay on her back, her back legs would curl up like little rabbit legs.
• She LOVED wet food.  I mean, sometimes I swear she would skip the dry food altogether just to make me give her wet food.
• Her perfect day was to be curled up in a "cave" under the bedroom covers.  She went under the covers and made herself a tent and settled in.  We always had to check for lumps on the bed before sitting down for fear of smushing her.
• She liked to sit like a peanut.
• She was very sociable.  She would come out and meet anyone who came over.  My brother once slept over and she crawled all over him all night while he slept.
• She was probably the only cat that ever really "got" the idea of a scratching post.  She would really go at those things.  Which is not to say she wouldn't destroy furniture, because she did that, too!
• She loved dogs.  She was the first cat to warm up to any dog that she ever lived with.
• She hated to let me be on my laptop without her also being in my lap!
• She loved one of my old roommate's fuzzy purple pillow.  When I moved, the roommate gave me the pillow as a gift for Holly.  It was the sweetest thing, and I cried and cried.

That's all I can come up with for now.  She's been gone for two weeks and I am still grieving.  It's so much easier due to the fact that I am living in a condo on my own, but when I move back to my and my husband's house, it's going to start all over again, and 10 times worse, I imagine.  I don't have many memories of her here, but I have thousands of those at home.  That's probably going to be the hardest part about moving back, honestly.  I guess there's no need to worry about that now, though.  That's not going to happen for at least another 5 months.  Why work myself up about it now?