Memories of Holly

I've been needing to write this post for awhile, and though it probably won't be interesting to anyone but me- it needs to be put down on paper before I forget about all the wonderful memories I have of my dearly departed kitty, Holly Molly Cottontail.


I think list format will be the easiest...here goes:

• She had the worst kitty breath!
• She was so malleable; you could dance with her and rearrange her on your lap and she would just stay there.
• She was all black, but she had several little white hairs on the front of her chest.
• She liked to jump on my shoulders and let me carry her around like that, especially after I took a shower and she would suck on my wet hair.
• She used to rub her mouth against my face and I could feel her little wet lips against my skin.
• She liked to help make the bed.
• She had a portal-- every time my husband and I were out, we would see another black kitty (because they're everywhere), and we'd say, "Look, it's Holly!  She must have come through her portal!"  And then she would always be back at home when we got there.  We said she was saving the world by going through her portal.
• She had a boyfriend- Pauly C.  He was a black cat that lived outside our house, and Holly would stand by the back door/window and look for him.  One time we came home, and Pauly C. was jumping out of the bushes by our bedroom and we joked that he must've sneaked inside to have a romantic date with Holly.
• She loved ample bosoms!  She loved to curl up on the top of an ample set of knockers (ha!) like they were a table or a shelf where she could lay.
• She was fondly referred to by one of my previous roommates as "Puppy Kitty," because she acted more like a dog than a cat.
• She liked to stretch out on the floor and show us how long she could be: I used to say, "Look how long you are!!!"
• She had rabbit legs-- my other cat, Bella, has chicken legs.  But Holly had rabbit legs.  When she would lay on her back, her back legs would curl up like little rabbit legs.
• She LOVED wet food.  I mean, sometimes I swear she would skip the dry food altogether just to make me give her wet food.
• Her perfect day was to be curled up in a "cave" under the bedroom covers.  She went under the covers and made herself a tent and settled in.  We always had to check for lumps on the bed before sitting down for fear of smushing her.
• She liked to sit like a peanut.
• She was very sociable.  She would come out and meet anyone who came over.  My brother once slept over and she crawled all over him all night while he slept.
• She was probably the only cat that ever really "got" the idea of a scratching post.  She would really go at those things.  Which is not to say she wouldn't destroy furniture, because she did that, too!
• She loved dogs.  She was the first cat to warm up to any dog that she ever lived with.
• She hated to let me be on my laptop without her also being in my lap!
• She loved one of my old roommate's fuzzy purple pillow.  When I moved, the roommate gave me the pillow as a gift for Holly.  It was the sweetest thing, and I cried and cried.

That's all I can come up with for now.  She's been gone for two weeks and I am still grieving.  It's so much easier due to the fact that I am living in a condo on my own, but when I move back to my and my husband's house, it's going to start all over again, and 10 times worse, I imagine.  I don't have many memories of her here, but I have thousands of those at home.  That's probably going to be the hardest part about moving back, honestly.  I guess there's no need to worry about that now, though.  That's not going to happen for at least another 5 months.  Why work myself up about it now?

Self Care Goals

Believe me, I'm not totally over Holly's death.  But I am getting to the point where I am starting to get back to normal.  There have been some things I have been meaning to write down (that aren't related to Holly).  One of those topics is self care.


I realize that one of the main routes to high(er) self esteem is self care.  And I am aware that self care doesn't really have to be all that difficult, and yet I don't really do much of it.  And that which I DO do, I don't do on a regular basis.

So rather than write this list in my little notebook that I carry around with me, I decided to put it into words on my blog.  Some of this stuff may sound a little ridiculous, but even simple things escape me sometimes, especially in stressful times (like now).

• Take a shower at least every other day.
• Paint my fingernails occasionally and remove old polish when it starts to chip.
• Keep toenails clipped and occasionally painted.
• Apply Retinol cream under eyes every night.
• Keep eyebrows groomed.
• Re-vamp wardrobe.
• Wash face before bed, even if it just means using those face wipe things.
• Play around with clip in hair extensions I got.
• Play around with makeup that I have and see if I can come up with a simple way to wear it on occasion.
• At least wear mascara and lip gloss everyday.
• Wear new, clean underwear every day.
• Before I actually have time/money for my new wardrobe, wear the best outfits I can come up with with what's already in my closet.
• Throw away any and all clothes/socks/underwear with holes or that just aren't flattering at all.
• Wear more skirts/dresses.
• Brush teeth every day, even if I am not going out anywhere.
• Use sleep apnea machine (CPAP) every night.
• Wear perfume everyday that I go to work, even if that means my supply is dwindling.
• Exercise more, eat better.

So, obviously, some of these things are more important than others.  I'm not going to try to tackle everything all at one time, even though I feel like most people are able to do these things without consciously thinking about them.

The exercise and eating better are monumental, I know, but those that will probably be the hardest to change.  That would make my new wardrobe plan more exciting.  But whatever.  I need to work on the way I present myself outwardly or I will never feel better about myself inwardly.  I really, really can't wait to get some new clothes.

As for getting in the "mood" to wear dresses, I don't know how one does that.  I have dresses and skirts that are cute, but I can't seem to ever be in the mood to wear them.  It's just so much damned work.  I do need to get some slips and pantyhose...maybe if I just bit the bullet and got those things from my clothing budget, I would be more likely to wear the nicer clothes that I already own.


EDIT: SOME GOALS I FORGOT!  DUH!

• Shave legs WAY more often.  Even though it's winter.
• Floss more often.

Fuck the Flow

Holding my seven year old cat in my arms while she was put to sleep "peacefully" was the worst moment of my life.  Watching her eyes blacken and feeling her body go limp...indescribable.  Having my estranged husband there didn't make it any better for me, but I am grateful that he was able to be there for her last moments.  He deserved to be there as much as I did.

Fuck working on this S-Anon shit.  Fuck the flow.  Fuck self help and working on the marriage.  At this point, I don't give a motherfucking shit about the marriage.  In fact, I am more upset about losing my poor cat than I was about "losing" my husband.

I'm angry.  Angry that she died so young.  Angry that I didn't pick up on the signs sooner.  Angry and resentful that months earlier, I had continuously commented to my husband that she was looking thinner and he assured me that she was fine.  Angry that I don't have many good memories of her in this condo because she spent most of the time wasting away under the bed.  Angry that my other cat no longer has her best friend.  Angry that I still have to go through everyday trying to pretend like I'm OK.  Angry at people who think she was "just a pet."

I'm depressed.  I'm worse than depressed.  I'm depressed that she's gone.  I'm depressed that I will never get to hold her again.  I'm depressed that she's not waiting for me in my bed every night.  Depressed that my other cat is now alone.  Depressed that she won't come running when I open a can of wet food.  Depressed that even if I get through the grieving process in this condo, I will have to go through it ALL OVER AGAIN when I move back home.  Depressed remembering how when I was driving her to the emergency vet, part of me KNEW that it was the end.  Depressed remember driving home, alone.

I feel guilty.  Guilty for not taking her to the vet earlier.  Guilty that I gave the new kitten, Godot, to my brother because I couldn't bear the thought that he was a "replacement" cat, therefore leaving my other cat lonely.  Guilty that I took her away from her home and away from my husband and he didn't get to see her in her last few weeks.  Guilty that WE CHOSE TO KILL HER.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, we stopped her suffering, we made the right decision, but that doesn't mean I don't feel guilty about the fact that we both made the decision to END HER LIFE.  She had no choice in the matter.

I just want her back.  I JUST WANT HER BACK, GODDAMMIT.  This is BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.  FUCK THE MOTHERFUCKING FLOW.

Planning a Shopping Spree

If you were trying to "find yourself," what kinds of things would you do?


Would you meditate, do yoga, take up a sport or join a social club of some sort?  Would you write a book, move away to a far off place, give up all of your possessions?


So far, I've gotten a new pet (who still needs a name, people!).  Although I will have to admit that I think part of getting him was to distract myself from finding myself.  But he does bring me a lot of joy (even though he peed in my bed last night)!


One thing I decided today is that I am going to revamp my wardrobe.  It doesn't sound much like something that will help me emotionally, but there is no denying that when you are dressed well, you feel better.  My goal is to get to a point where I only own clothes that I love and that fit me well.


I have a few pieces already that make me feel good about myself, but for the most part, the items in my closet are ill-fitting and make me feel frumpy and ugly.  The pants are too tight and the shirts aren't long enough.  I have way too many black tops (that are all "bleh").


To my credit, I have several nice looking dresses and skirts, but I don't wear them.  My excuse for this is that I don't like shaving my legs, not to mention I don't have any pantyhose without holes in them (and I've gotten to the point where I pretty much have to wear hosiery or else my thighs rub each other raw.  TMI?  Sorry 'bout that).


I pretty much had to filter my closet when I moved away from home, so luckily I have the "best of the best"...(or unluckily, when you consider how "ick" it all is).  At least that means that when I go home in 6 months (or more, whenever it ends up being), I can literally just donate EVERYTHING in there.


I can't decide if I should save a lot and go on a big weekend shopping spree, or just get some pieces here and there.  Wait, scratch that.  (I decided as I was typing!)  I'm going to save a bunch and go on a spree.  That way, I can buy a whole wardrobe that goes together and is interchangeable. No more buying a skirt but never wearing it because I don't have the perfect shirt!


One other decision I have to make is whether to wait and see if I lose any weight or just go ahead and do it now.  Let's be clear-- I am not "actively" trying to lose weight (per se), but I am managing my portions and trying to stop stuffing myself.  Exercise...yeah, not so much.  Maybe someday.


I guess if I got stuff that fit now, I could always have it taken in if I lose enough weight to warrant that.  It's much easier to take things in than to let them out, that's for sure.


So, I'm off to do my budget and plan my shopping spree weekend!  Not sure when it will be, but I will keep you posted!

Needed: Kitty Names!

OK, so maybe I just got this kitten as a way to distract myself from dealing with my real issues.  And so far, it's working.  I've spent lots of money at the pet store lately and I'm still trying to figure out how to keep the kitten food away from the adult cats.

But my distraction still needs a name.  He's a boy and a Russian Blue (or at least mostly a Russian Blue), and I SWEAR I will get a pic of him up here soon.  Suggestions (along with some of my own ideas thrown in) so far have been:

• Asher
• Cloud
• Dusk
• Dusty

*These first four are from my brother and are (obviously) based on nothing more than the fact that the cat is grey.  He's not the most creative guy you've ever met, to say the least.

• Sanon (S-anon formed into one word)
• Doorknob (inside joke for all of us who dislike 12-step programs.  We say, "Oh, so our higher power doesn't have to be God, eh?  Well, in that case, my higher power is a doorknob.")  I could always call him DK for short.
• HP (for higher power, but it sounds too much like the computer company and besides, if I DO end up following the steps, what good will it do to have a higher power that will DIE eventually?)
• A couple of names from "Wicked" that I can't remember since I never got to see the show :-(
• Thatcher (after the Margaret Thatcher quote that I have posted in the signature of all my emails)
• Rand (duh)
• Ramsey (after Dave Ramsey, of whom I am a HUGE fan)
• Fuerza
• Renova
• Ferdinand
• Valentino
• Ferdinand Valentino
• Buddha

Ferdinand/Valentino is my husband's idea- something about how the names together mean something to the effect of, "courageous venture/ health in love"...I don't know where he gets this information, but perhaps that is true.  I don't know.  I don't have a baby name book sitting around and I don't care enough to Google it.

I am sure of one thing.  I want the name to be symbolic in some sense of what I am going through right now. I want this growth of this kitten to represent the growth that I hope to achieve.  It may be awhile before I decide upon a name...I guess it doesn't matter much considering he's only 2 months old...and let's be real: how many cats really respond to their name anyway?  My other two respond to my tone of voice way more than their names.

I could always name him COSLAA (Codependents of Sex and Love Addicts).  When people ask his name, they'd probably spell it "Coleslaw," but who gives a shit?  If I corrected them I would have to explain what it all stood for and that's not a conversation I want to have all the time!

I feel like the perfect name just hasn't come to me yet.  When it does, I think I will know.  The co-addict in me really wants to like Ferdinand because my husband really likes it.  But I don't think I do.  Makes me think of Franz Ferdinand, Archduke Francis Ferdinand...I mean, why do I want to be reminded of these people when I think of my cat?

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!  I will try to get a pic up soon!

A Day of Ups and Downs

Up: I actually went to my S-Anon meeting.  I got one of the books that has daily reflections.  I felt good that even though I promised myself I would go to two a week, I managed to go to one.  Hey, that's better than zero.

Down: Took Klonopin to help me take a nap.  Not because I was tired, per se, just because I didn't want to deal with...well...anything.

Up: I got a new kitten!  He's a Russian Blue and adorable- about 2 months old.  I told my husband and he didn't get totally pissed (or, if he did, he didn't let on).

Down: As I was walking to the car after getting the kitty, I immediately felt overwhelmed.  Like, what the heck am I doing?  I already have two (not to mention the one and the dog that my husband has at our house).  My cats are already traumatized enough from moving to a new place, and I'm going to bring in a new cat less than a week later?  Am I ready for this?  What if my cats don't like him?  What if he tears up the furniture and carpet and I get totally screwed for my security deposit, plus some?

Up: I read the American Girl Feelings book that my therapist lent me.  (I know, American Girl for a 29-year old?)  But they are pretty cute and address a lot of the issues I'm dealing with.  OK, not the sexaholism, but the identification of feelings, reaching out to people when you need help, etc.  You know, all those things that my family fucked me over on while I was growing up.

Down: Stuffed my face with my Pizza Hut leftovers...then ordered some more Pizza Hut...lord help me!

Up: Seinfeld, The Office, and Futurama reruns.  Pretty good considering I have no DVDs for the DVD player and I have yet to figure out how to connect my computer to the TV to watch streaming videos.

Down: Condo is already getting messy.  It wouldn't take me too long to clean it, I'll admit.  But do I intend to?  Probably not.

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So anyway, my biggest dilemma of the day is: WHAT DO I NAME THE KITTY!??!  I'm going to try to post a picture of him (although I just realized that I have my camera but not the battery charger, so we'll see if it's got enough juice left).  His original name is Scooter, but I'm thinking negatory on that one.  Any ideas?