Fuck the Flow

Holding my seven year old cat in my arms while she was put to sleep "peacefully" was the worst moment of my life.  Watching her eyes blacken and feeling her body go limp...indescribable.  Having my estranged husband there didn't make it any better for me, but I am grateful that he was able to be there for her last moments.  He deserved to be there as much as I did.

Fuck working on this S-Anon shit.  Fuck the flow.  Fuck self help and working on the marriage.  At this point, I don't give a motherfucking shit about the marriage.  In fact, I am more upset about losing my poor cat than I was about "losing" my husband.

I'm angry.  Angry that she died so young.  Angry that I didn't pick up on the signs sooner.  Angry and resentful that months earlier, I had continuously commented to my husband that she was looking thinner and he assured me that she was fine.  Angry that I don't have many good memories of her in this condo because she spent most of the time wasting away under the bed.  Angry that my other cat no longer has her best friend.  Angry that I still have to go through everyday trying to pretend like I'm OK.  Angry at people who think she was "just a pet."

I'm depressed.  I'm worse than depressed.  I'm depressed that she's gone.  I'm depressed that I will never get to hold her again.  I'm depressed that she's not waiting for me in my bed every night.  Depressed that my other cat is now alone.  Depressed that she won't come running when I open a can of wet food.  Depressed that even if I get through the grieving process in this condo, I will have to go through it ALL OVER AGAIN when I move back home.  Depressed remembering how when I was driving her to the emergency vet, part of me KNEW that it was the end.  Depressed remember driving home, alone.

I feel guilty.  Guilty for not taking her to the vet earlier.  Guilty that I gave the new kitten, Godot, to my brother because I couldn't bear the thought that he was a "replacement" cat, therefore leaving my other cat lonely.  Guilty that I took her away from her home and away from my husband and he didn't get to see her in her last few weeks.  Guilty that WE CHOSE TO KILL HER.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, we stopped her suffering, we made the right decision, but that doesn't mean I don't feel guilty about the fact that we both made the decision to END HER LIFE.  She had no choice in the matter.

I just want her back.  I JUST WANT HER BACK, GODDAMMIT.  This is BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.  FUCK THE MOTHERFUCKING FLOW.