My Aversion to 12-Step Programs

Powerlessness 
I'm not a huge fan of 12-step programs for a variety of reasons.  For example, the first two steps in any of these programs are: 


1. "We admitted we were powerless over [insert addiction here]--that our lives had become unmanageable."


2. "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."


*note that the work "Power" is actually capitalized in the AA literature*
 
My issue here is the idea of letting go of all control or responsibility for the addiction and its consequences.  This does not sit well with me.  According to the program, I am supposed to buy into the idea that there is a "Power" greater than myself that will show me the light and help me conquer my addiction.  But what about my role in my recovery?  I got myself into this mess-- shouldn't I share some (if not all) of the responsibility in getting out of it?


An Alternative
Thank god (with a small "g") that I was able to find an alternative to 12-stepping for my own recovery from alcohol addiction-- a wonderful organization called SOS (Save Ourselves) that is based on the principle that we are not powerless.  In fact, our powerfulness is what enables us to conquer our addiction.  There is no higher power, there are no steps, there is no "Big Book" (which is essentially the Bible of AA), there is no prayer, there are no "chips," cross-talk* is allowed and encouraged, and you are allowed to mention books and article other than the pre-approved program literature (imagine that!).


*Note: "Cross talk is when two individuals engage in conversation excluding all others. Each person is free to express his or her feelings without interruptions.Cross talk can also be identified as someone making “I can relate to you because…” or “I can’t relate to you because…” comments, laughing, asking questions, and so on. We don’t have to be legalistic about it, but we must be very careful not to offend anyone. If this guideline is abused someone may get very hurt and give up on recovery altogether."


Oh no!  So someone's feelings might get hurt if someone tries to relate to them?  We have to make sure not to offend anyone even though we are all there to help each other?  I don't know about you, but the reason I go to my SOS meetings is to ask for advice on my situation from people who have been there, done that.  12-steppers love to say that one of the best parts of the meetings is realizing that they are not alone...yet they insist that the meeting participants keep each other at arm's length for fear of offending someone?  This does not make sense to me.


A "Higher Power"
Now 12-steppers around the world will tell you that the "Higher Power" referred to in AA/NA/OA/SA, etc meetings and literature is not God, per se, but instead "God as we understand Him."  Yet six of the twelve steps refer specifically to "God" or "Him," which makes it really difficult to believe the steppers when they tell you that it's not really about God, it's about "spirituality."

What it boils down to is that, to accept the 12 steps, you have to be willing to turn your inner power over to an outside source-- a "Higher Power"-- and that's something I am just not comfortable with.  At least not in my recovery from alcoholism.


Can I blend SOS and the 12 Steps?
I discussed this with my therapist last week, as I had attended my first two S-Anon meetings (a 12 step program for family members and friends affect by a "sexaholic").  I was feeling confused about how I could continue to maintain my personal principles of alcoholism recovery that led me to SOS in the face of what appears to be rapid indoctrination of the 12 steps at the S-Anon meetings.

We came to the conclusion that there is a way to do this (and really, I have no choice considering that S-Anon and other step-based programs are the only resource I was able to find for this particular issue).  Basically, if I change the wording of the first step to say:


"1. We admitted we were powerless over our partner's sexual addiction--that our lives had become unmanageable."


Well, no argument from me on that one.  I've learned over the past few years that I am definitely powerless over my husband's sexual addiction, despite many, many efforts to control it/him.  And a lot of my issues (that I am supposed to be working on during this trial separation) are about control.  So this seems like a good starting point.


Now, as for the second step (and we haven't even begun to touch numbers 3-12), I am not so sure.  But I need to remember that this is a process, and it's going to take time.  I'm still accepting the truth of the first step - there's still part of me that believes I can control my husband's behavior/addiction/acting out.  Once I fully believe and accept this first step, I will tackle the rest.  For now, I need to sit with this one, contemplate, and really and truly believe it before I can move on.