After going over all of the healthy behaviors that I go out of my way to avoid, I've decided to dedicate this post to the all of the maladaptive behaviors that I gravitate towards in times of stress, depression, and anxiety. (I'll try to avoid the obvious "opposites" of the healthy behaviors that I avoid, such as idleness, going days without bathing, isolating myself, and letting the house become a pigsty.)
1. Addictive behaviors (duh): Alcohol, anti-anxiety medication, excessive eating, sleep, porn, caffeine...have I left anything out? I dodged the gambling addiction, not really into illegal drugs (anymore). I don't over-exercise, that's for sure. Oh, how could I forget shopping?!?! I love spending money when I feel like crap. There's just something about making a purchase that gives me a little "high."
2. Letting myself go, physically: This is a little more than just avoiding baths and showers. I'm talking I skip getting the eyebrows fixed up, I avoid the q-tips. I don't wash my face; I definitely don't shave. I wear the same clothes around the house day in and day out. I dress myself like a vagabond and hide my figure at all costs. Of course, in doing all of this, I feel worse about myself and just perpetuate the cycle.
3. Searching for affirmation from less than desirable sources: The guy who cleans the tables at McDonald's hits on me? SCORE! A guy honks at me while I cross the street? DOUBLE SCORE? OK, but not really. Couple this with #2 above, and I actually feel worse about myself because I know that there's no way these guys are actually attracted to me-- I mean, I haven't bathed, I'm poorly clothed, and if they got close enough to me they would realize that I smell like shit to boot.
4. Keeping myself (alone and) busy: Now, this is a tricky one. You'd think that keeping yourself busy would be the perfect way to deal with all those negative feelings you have boiling up inside of you. For me, that's not so. I fill my time with inane activities: watching movies I've seen a MILLION times, occupying myself by starting a new venture (like a blog, a store on Etsy), picking up a craft project that I haven't finished yet...these all sound well and good, but I am realizing that many times I do these things to keep my mind busy so that I don't have to actually FEEL anything. As long as my mind is busy, I have no time to feel sad, anxious, or lonely. Filling my time with random activities is akin to taking anti-anxiety medication when I don't need it. It's a way to numb myself so I don't have to feel.
So I guess this post really isn't the antithesis to the last post that I expected it to be. It turns out that most of the good behaviors that I avoid are kind of the same as the bad behaviors I turn to...granted, there are some minor differences, but it all leads to one logical conclusion:
I have no idea how to deal with my feelings.
Hell, I have no idea how to identify my feelings, which I assume needs to happen before I can deal with them. This seems like such an overwhelming task that I don't even know where to begin. I'm sure attending a meeting or two would help...if I could just get the motivation.
No comments:
Post a Comment