Self Care Goals

Believe me, I'm not totally over Holly's death.  But I am getting to the point where I am starting to get back to normal.  There have been some things I have been meaning to write down (that aren't related to Holly).  One of those topics is self care.


I realize that one of the main routes to high(er) self esteem is self care.  And I am aware that self care doesn't really have to be all that difficult, and yet I don't really do much of it.  And that which I DO do, I don't do on a regular basis.

So rather than write this list in my little notebook that I carry around with me, I decided to put it into words on my blog.  Some of this stuff may sound a little ridiculous, but even simple things escape me sometimes, especially in stressful times (like now).

• Take a shower at least every other day.
• Paint my fingernails occasionally and remove old polish when it starts to chip.
• Keep toenails clipped and occasionally painted.
• Apply Retinol cream under eyes every night.
• Keep eyebrows groomed.
• Re-vamp wardrobe.
• Wash face before bed, even if it just means using those face wipe things.
• Play around with clip in hair extensions I got.
• Play around with makeup that I have and see if I can come up with a simple way to wear it on occasion.
• At least wear mascara and lip gloss everyday.
• Wear new, clean underwear every day.
• Before I actually have time/money for my new wardrobe, wear the best outfits I can come up with with what's already in my closet.
• Throw away any and all clothes/socks/underwear with holes or that just aren't flattering at all.
• Wear more skirts/dresses.
• Brush teeth every day, even if I am not going out anywhere.
• Use sleep apnea machine (CPAP) every night.
• Wear perfume everyday that I go to work, even if that means my supply is dwindling.
• Exercise more, eat better.

So, obviously, some of these things are more important than others.  I'm not going to try to tackle everything all at one time, even though I feel like most people are able to do these things without consciously thinking about them.

The exercise and eating better are monumental, I know, but those that will probably be the hardest to change.  That would make my new wardrobe plan more exciting.  But whatever.  I need to work on the way I present myself outwardly or I will never feel better about myself inwardly.  I really, really can't wait to get some new clothes.

As for getting in the "mood" to wear dresses, I don't know how one does that.  I have dresses and skirts that are cute, but I can't seem to ever be in the mood to wear them.  It's just so much damned work.  I do need to get some slips and pantyhose...maybe if I just bit the bullet and got those things from my clothing budget, I would be more likely to wear the nicer clothes that I already own.


EDIT: SOME GOALS I FORGOT!  DUH!

• Shave legs WAY more often.  Even though it's winter.
• Floss more often.

Fuck the Flow

Holding my seven year old cat in my arms while she was put to sleep "peacefully" was the worst moment of my life.  Watching her eyes blacken and feeling her body go limp...indescribable.  Having my estranged husband there didn't make it any better for me, but I am grateful that he was able to be there for her last moments.  He deserved to be there as much as I did.

Fuck working on this S-Anon shit.  Fuck the flow.  Fuck self help and working on the marriage.  At this point, I don't give a motherfucking shit about the marriage.  In fact, I am more upset about losing my poor cat than I was about "losing" my husband.

I'm angry.  Angry that she died so young.  Angry that I didn't pick up on the signs sooner.  Angry and resentful that months earlier, I had continuously commented to my husband that she was looking thinner and he assured me that she was fine.  Angry that I don't have many good memories of her in this condo because she spent most of the time wasting away under the bed.  Angry that my other cat no longer has her best friend.  Angry that I still have to go through everyday trying to pretend like I'm OK.  Angry at people who think she was "just a pet."

I'm depressed.  I'm worse than depressed.  I'm depressed that she's gone.  I'm depressed that I will never get to hold her again.  I'm depressed that she's not waiting for me in my bed every night.  Depressed that my other cat is now alone.  Depressed that she won't come running when I open a can of wet food.  Depressed that even if I get through the grieving process in this condo, I will have to go through it ALL OVER AGAIN when I move back home.  Depressed remembering how when I was driving her to the emergency vet, part of me KNEW that it was the end.  Depressed remember driving home, alone.

I feel guilty.  Guilty for not taking her to the vet earlier.  Guilty that I gave the new kitten, Godot, to my brother because I couldn't bear the thought that he was a "replacement" cat, therefore leaving my other cat lonely.  Guilty that I took her away from her home and away from my husband and he didn't get to see her in her last few weeks.  Guilty that WE CHOSE TO KILL HER.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, we stopped her suffering, we made the right decision, but that doesn't mean I don't feel guilty about the fact that we both made the decision to END HER LIFE.  She had no choice in the matter.

I just want her back.  I JUST WANT HER BACK, GODDAMMIT.  This is BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.  FUCK THE MOTHERFUCKING FLOW.

Obligation

I've lived my entire life with the understanding that it's absolutely imperative to meet your obligations.  Obligations to school, family, friends, your job.  But one thing that was never mentioned to me, never taught to me, was the obligation that we all have to ourselves.


The obligation to self, IF it appears on one's list of obligations, usually takes last place.  We're raised to believe that everyone else's needs and wants come first...to put ourselves on top of the list is to be selfish, arrogant.


I'm trying to learn to let go of obligations...OK, not altogether, but I'm learning to put MYSELF first and reduce and prioritize my obligations that come after that.


It's funny, though.  While I'm trying to let go of obligations, I recognize that my intense sense of obligation is what got me here today.  And I'm GLAD that I am in the situation that I am in.


In this case, the sense of obligation that I felt was not toward my husband...but to marriage itself.  I had my foot out the door-- I researched divorce, I was ready to go.  But you know what?  I said vows; I got into a LEGALLY BINDING contract when I got married.  I felt more obliged to that piece of paper than I did to the actual person I married.


But if not for my sense of obligation to that contract, I wouldn't have even tried to work through this with my husband.  If we were just dating, I would have brushed him off, dusted myself off, and moved onto the next (dysfunctional) relationship.  But god knows it would have been more dysfunctional than this one.  And the next, even more so.  And so on and so forth until I finally just gave up on men altogether (at least that's the future I foresee for myself...!)


So here I am.  Working my ass off, putting myself on the line, trying to improve myself and form a functional half of a hopefully functional whole relationship.  I have to admit that at first I resented the obligation, and I only accepted it begrudgingly.  But I would remiss to not admit that I am grateful for this opportunity.  Regardless of how my marriage ends up, I will be a better person for it.  It's exhausting, and I certainly don't enjoy every minute of it.  It's a huge pain in the ass and I'm tired most of the time.  I go through fits and starts.  But this is only the beginning of a very long journey.  A lifetime journey.


At any rate, I'm going to try to let this obligation to the marriage contract be the LAST obligation that I let dictate my life.  It's not healthy to do, say, or feel things because you think that's how you HAVE to be, talk, or feel.  It leads to guilt and resentment and it leads to poor self-care.  I don't care what anyone else says or tries to make me feel- I come first.  My only obligation is MYSELF.  And I'll be DAMNED if anyone tries to make me feel bad about that.

Waiting for a Higher Power

This week has been about my search for a "Higher Power." At the same time, I was searching for a kitty name.

On Tuesday, I texted a lady from S-anon:

Me: Can your Higher Power be "randomness"? 

Her: How about chaos? Hee hee. 

Me: I'm serious, tho! Can things like that be a "Higher Power" Or what about just "the universe"? 

Her: OK. Seriously. You get to define your HP in any way that works for you. There are no rules. None none none. You also get to change your definition or allow it to evolve. Bottom line, your HP is YOUR HP. I know several people who think of their HP as the universe, btw. 

Me: Hmmm. Thanks. It's something I've been thinking about cuz I think if I can't get past that hurdle I won't make much progress with the program. 

Her: It's definitely really hard to work the steps without an HP that works for you. 

Me: I blv that everything happens for a reason but somehow I also blv that it's all random so I'm having trouble marrying the two. I'm sure it will come to me in due time. Trying not to rush it...

Later that morning, I talked to my mentor. We talked a little about randomness, and he recommended I read the book "The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable" by Nassim Nicholas Taleb (totally NOT related to the movie "Black Swan")-- it's funny he recommended that because I'd started it a while back but got distracted by life and never finished.

Rather than trying to explain the premise and butchering it, I will let Amazon do the talking:

"A black swan is an event, positive or negative, that is deemed improbable yet causes massive consequences. In this groundbreaking and prophetic book, Taleb shows in a playful way that Black Swan events explain almost everything about our world, and yet we—especially the experts—are blind to them."

It's an interesting proposition (and a great book). It's one of those that I will have to start completely over because it builds on itself and requires a great deal of attention (at least for me).

I asked him about his religious beliefs. We had never discussed it, but I could tell from our previous conversations that he was a Christian. I explained to him how it is so hard for me to latch onto the idea of religion, God, etc. He recommended that if I wanted to get a good start on it, I should try some reading from Romans or Corinthians.

When I got back to my desk, I texted my friend and coworker, who is very, very religious (her father is a pastor). She just had twins so I knew she wouldn't have time to go too deep into it. But I was having trouble understanding how Christians believe that God gave us free will, but at the same time it's like they believe that God has a plan for us. I wanted to know how much of it is predetermined by God and how much of it is a result of our own decisions and actions. I didn't really get a satisfactory answer, but I knew I couldn't within the context of texting a woman who had twins no more than 2 weeks ago!!

Last night I was watching a re-run of Criminal Minds and one of the quotes was:

For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible.

"Damn straight!" I thought. I can't force myself to accept this God stuff. I just can't. I'm like Fox Mulder, "I want to believe." But the only reason I want to believe is because I just think life would be easier that way. But wanting to believe isn't enough for someone who needs proof. And I am one of those people.

(Another reason that I can't bring myself to believe in God or be religious is that the only time in my entire life that I have believed is when I was manic and psychotic. And, boy, did I believe it. I read the bible. I saw the devil. I talked to dead people. I had stigmata. God sent me psychic messages through the television...It's difficult for me to accept the idea of God when the only time it's ever made sense to me is when I clearly made no sense at all.)

As far as other religions, the only one that has appeared remotely interesting to me has been Buddhism or maybe Zen Buddhism. I downloaded several books about it and did some research on internet, but nothing really "grabbed" me. I won't rule it out as a possibility, but for right now I don't think I am ready to go down that road. I am trying to practice more "mindfulness" in my daily life, though.

I don't know what day it was that it occurred to me that I might want to revisit the Tom Stoppard play "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead." I was lucky enough to have a veritable all-star line up of English teachers throughout high school. I can't remember which one to credit with introducing me to this book, but I owe her one!

For those of you who are unfamiliar, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead" is the story of Hamlet, told from the view of two very minor characters, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. For the most part, the "action" of the story (if you can call it that) takes place outside of the context of Shakespeare's play: it's what R&G are doing when you don't see them onstage in Hamlet. Every once in awhile, you see them cross paths into the action of "Hamlet."

The play, which I have been re-reading, is absolutely hilarious. Much more so than when I read it in high school. Wikipedia (widely known to be the most credible reference website) sums up the play's major themes as "existentialism, free will vs. determinism, the search for value, and the impossibility of certainty."

Ahh...finally something I can believe in. For clarification's sake (for those who may be unfamiliar with the concepts), existentialism and determinism are defined as (respectively):

a modern philosophical movement stressing the importance of personal experience and responsibility and the demands that they make on the individual, who is seen as a free agent in a deterministic and seemingly meaningless universe; and,

the philosophical doctrine that all events including human actions and choices are fully determined by preceding events and states of affairs, and so that freedom of choice is illusory.
(definitions taken from www.dictionary.com).

At one point in the play, Guildenstern says:

Wheels have been set in motion, and they have their own pace, to which we are...condemned. Each move is dictated by the previous one-- that is the meaning of order. If we start being arbitrary it'll just be shambles: at least, let us hope so. Because if we happened, just happened to discover, or even suspect, that our spontaneity was part of their order, we'd know that we were lost.

So where does that leave me in my search for a Higher Power? And, more importantly, what should I name the new kitty?!?

I don't know if I can put into words what my Higher Power is. It goes back to the day I set up my Facebook page, and under religious views I put:

Everything happens for a reason.

That's my Higher Power. I believe that things happen to us, around us, and within us, for a reason. That reason is not clear to me, but I don't think it's all up to destiny. I also don't think it's all under our control. I believe that the choices we make affect our lives, but our choices can't be the end all, be all, because there are things that we can't explain. Improbable events happen all the time, events that we could have never expected to be the result of a choice that we have made. There are coincidences that happen every day that have no explanation. Do I have to understand it? Not really. There's no point in trying to understand it. It's futile, and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

So what did I name my kitty? Well, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were just way too cumbersome for this teeny cat. I knew there was another play with similar themes to this classic, one that I have never read but that I am aware of. It's a classic, it's next on my reading list: Samuel Beckett's "Waiting for Godot"

As I said, I have not yet read it, but I am aware of the basic plot: two characters waiting for another, relatively unknown to them, to arrive. But he never shows. That character's name is Godot.

And so, the newest man in my life is named Godot (pronounced [guh-dough]). And I was going to post a picture of him for you all, but (for some reason!) I seem to have misplaced my camera. I don't know how that is possible in such a small space, but I have managed to do it. Or maybe I never brought it from home in the first place. I can't even remember. And you know what?

It's OK.

How to Succeed and Still Feel Like a Failure

Last night I rented Black Swan.  I fell in love with this movie from the very first time I saw it.  There are so many parallels to Nina's journey and my own, but I'm going to try to focus on just one: the pursuit of perfection.


Is there anything so dangerous as the pursuit of the perfect?  Even when we logically know that perfection is impossible, many of us keep pushing toward it (to our own detriment).


My desire to be perfect stems back from as early as I can remember.  My most vivid recollection is coming home from school, excited to show my dad that I made a 99 on an exam.  I ran up the stairs, a broad smile across my face, and showed him the paper.  His response?


"Where's the other point?"


I was crestfallen.  I was at a loss for words.  I didn't even know how to answer that question.  I don't even remember what the exam was about or what it had proven that I had learned in school.  But the life lesson I learned that evening stuck with me:


If you aren't perfect, you are nothing.
If you aren't perfect, you are worthless.
If you aren't perfect, you don't deserve my attention.
If you aren't perfect, you don't earn my love and affection.


Ever since, it's been an uphill battle.  I'm like a donkey pulling a cart, chasing a carrot that remains just out of reach.


When I played in the school orchestra, I was usually first chair in my section.  I barely even had to practice; it seemed I had a natural ability.  But I never enjoyed it.  I performed in constant fear of making a mistake.  One night, after a performance, my dad told me, "You have to stop making all those faces when you make a mistake.  If you didn't make those faces, no one would even know that you messed up!"


I assume these were supposed to be words of encouragement.  Instead all I heard was:


Everyone knows you are screwing up.
You can't even hide it.
It's written all over your face.
Everyone can see that you are a failure.


As a kid, I don't remember much as far as real encouragement, praise, or compliments from my parents.  I do remember being criticized for how I walked.  I remember being criticized for how I sniffled.  For how I had trouble grasping the concept of "decimals."  How I couldn't seem to learn to drive stick shift instantly with my dad in the passenger seat next to me, yelling.  How I never finished anything I started.  How I was lazy.  How I "faked" every headache or ailment that I ever had, so much so that my mom threatened to change my name to "Mona" because I moaned about my aches and pains all the time.


Yet through all of this, I was excelling at nearly everything I attempted.  But none of it ever meant anything to me, because deep down it was already ingrained in my head that I should be able to do better.


It makes no logical sense for a child to believe that they should be good, no-- perfect, at everything.  Yet that's what I tried to do.  And it was exhausting.  Physical and emotionally.  And even spiritually (in that I didn't have much of a spirit left).


This perfectionism, I believe, played a huge role in the manifestation of my bipolar disorder.  Yes, of course, I know there's a genetic component (does having shitty parents count?), but I truly believe that had it not been for certain circumstances in my life, the disorder could have remained dormant.


But when I look back at it (and listen to my husband's recollection of the events, which are much clearer than my own), I began to unwind with one simple phone call.  One day in early summer of 2004, I received a call from the dean of the law school where I was planning to attend that fall.  We're talking one of the best law schools in the south.  He called me personally to offer me a full ride for my J.D.-- a scholarship extended to only three people in every 1L class.  It was a scholarship that you couldn't even apply for and that I didn't even know existed.


Needless to say, I was ecstatic.  And it was all downhill from there.


It wasn't more than a few weeks from the day of that phone call to the day that I was admitted ("voluntarily")  to a psychiatric ward, suffering from mania with psychosis.


I had worked so hard for so long.  Being a lawyer was my dream.  It meant everything to me.  Even after that awful summer, weeks in inpatient psychiatric care, more in outpatient, living with my parents (that sure didn't help)...I still forced myself to go to law school.  I moved to the city where the school was located, even though my parents were still nervous about me even being able to drive a car.  I showed up at orientation and on the first day, even though my psychiatrist thought I wasn't ready.  I studied my ass off...for two and a half weeks.


I turned my first assignment in late.  I read every line of my reading at least ten times and never seemed to comprehend a thing.  I fell asleep in the library.  I was scared to death that the professors all had rosters that had the names of the three people who were on scholarship marked with little asterisks that meant: 'This person needs to prove themselves.  We're giving them a free ride.'  All without realizing that I already had proven myself.


So I quit.  Or, in my head, I failed.  Miserably.


Yes, I have plenty of excuses.  Obviously the trauma I had been through, not to mention the fact that I was on LOADS of medications...it was a miracle I could even function at the level that I was, let alone attempt something as difficult as law school.


To this day, I still feel like a failure when it comes to law school, to my dream.  And you know the funniest thing about it?  One day in class (it was Property, I remember), I was called on (Socratic method and all that; you never knew when it was going to be your turn).  I had the floor for at least half the class as the professor drilled me with questions.  I was too scared to be scared, if that makes any sense.


Yet, when class ended and we all filed out, no less than five different people came up to congratulate me for doing such a great job!  Even with my official diagnosis, the summer I had gone through, the drugs I was being "forced" to take-- I still managed to impress!


So why did I still feel like I failure?


* * *


I recently read a great blog article on leadership that you should check out: 3 reasons to kiss being perfect goodbye

Planning a Shopping Spree

If you were trying to "find yourself," what kinds of things would you do?


Would you meditate, do yoga, take up a sport or join a social club of some sort?  Would you write a book, move away to a far off place, give up all of your possessions?


So far, I've gotten a new pet (who still needs a name, people!).  Although I will have to admit that I think part of getting him was to distract myself from finding myself.  But he does bring me a lot of joy (even though he peed in my bed last night)!


One thing I decided today is that I am going to revamp my wardrobe.  It doesn't sound much like something that will help me emotionally, but there is no denying that when you are dressed well, you feel better.  My goal is to get to a point where I only own clothes that I love and that fit me well.


I have a few pieces already that make me feel good about myself, but for the most part, the items in my closet are ill-fitting and make me feel frumpy and ugly.  The pants are too tight and the shirts aren't long enough.  I have way too many black tops (that are all "bleh").


To my credit, I have several nice looking dresses and skirts, but I don't wear them.  My excuse for this is that I don't like shaving my legs, not to mention I don't have any pantyhose without holes in them (and I've gotten to the point where I pretty much have to wear hosiery or else my thighs rub each other raw.  TMI?  Sorry 'bout that).


I pretty much had to filter my closet when I moved away from home, so luckily I have the "best of the best"...(or unluckily, when you consider how "ick" it all is).  At least that means that when I go home in 6 months (or more, whenever it ends up being), I can literally just donate EVERYTHING in there.


I can't decide if I should save a lot and go on a big weekend shopping spree, or just get some pieces here and there.  Wait, scratch that.  (I decided as I was typing!)  I'm going to save a bunch and go on a spree.  That way, I can buy a whole wardrobe that goes together and is interchangeable. No more buying a skirt but never wearing it because I don't have the perfect shirt!


One other decision I have to make is whether to wait and see if I lose any weight or just go ahead and do it now.  Let's be clear-- I am not "actively" trying to lose weight (per se), but I am managing my portions and trying to stop stuffing myself.  Exercise...yeah, not so much.  Maybe someday.


I guess if I got stuff that fit now, I could always have it taken in if I lose enough weight to warrant that.  It's much easier to take things in than to let them out, that's for sure.


So, I'm off to do my budget and plan my shopping spree weekend!  Not sure when it will be, but I will keep you posted!

Needed: Kitty Names!

OK, so maybe I just got this kitten as a way to distract myself from dealing with my real issues.  And so far, it's working.  I've spent lots of money at the pet store lately and I'm still trying to figure out how to keep the kitten food away from the adult cats.

But my distraction still needs a name.  He's a boy and a Russian Blue (or at least mostly a Russian Blue), and I SWEAR I will get a pic of him up here soon.  Suggestions (along with some of my own ideas thrown in) so far have been:

• Asher
• Cloud
• Dusk
• Dusty

*These first four are from my brother and are (obviously) based on nothing more than the fact that the cat is grey.  He's not the most creative guy you've ever met, to say the least.

• Sanon (S-anon formed into one word)
• Doorknob (inside joke for all of us who dislike 12-step programs.  We say, "Oh, so our higher power doesn't have to be God, eh?  Well, in that case, my higher power is a doorknob.")  I could always call him DK for short.
• HP (for higher power, but it sounds too much like the computer company and besides, if I DO end up following the steps, what good will it do to have a higher power that will DIE eventually?)
• A couple of names from "Wicked" that I can't remember since I never got to see the show :-(
• Thatcher (after the Margaret Thatcher quote that I have posted in the signature of all my emails)
• Rand (duh)
• Ramsey (after Dave Ramsey, of whom I am a HUGE fan)
• Fuerza
• Renova
• Ferdinand
• Valentino
• Ferdinand Valentino
• Buddha

Ferdinand/Valentino is my husband's idea- something about how the names together mean something to the effect of, "courageous venture/ health in love"...I don't know where he gets this information, but perhaps that is true.  I don't know.  I don't have a baby name book sitting around and I don't care enough to Google it.

I am sure of one thing.  I want the name to be symbolic in some sense of what I am going through right now. I want this growth of this kitten to represent the growth that I hope to achieve.  It may be awhile before I decide upon a name...I guess it doesn't matter much considering he's only 2 months old...and let's be real: how many cats really respond to their name anyway?  My other two respond to my tone of voice way more than their names.

I could always name him COSLAA (Codependents of Sex and Love Addicts).  When people ask his name, they'd probably spell it "Coleslaw," but who gives a shit?  If I corrected them I would have to explain what it all stood for and that's not a conversation I want to have all the time!

I feel like the perfect name just hasn't come to me yet.  When it does, I think I will know.  The co-addict in me really wants to like Ferdinand because my husband really likes it.  But I don't think I do.  Makes me think of Franz Ferdinand, Archduke Francis Ferdinand...I mean, why do I want to be reminded of these people when I think of my cat?

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!  I will try to get a pic up soon!

A Day of Ups and Downs

Up: I actually went to my S-Anon meeting.  I got one of the books that has daily reflections.  I felt good that even though I promised myself I would go to two a week, I managed to go to one.  Hey, that's better than zero.

Down: Took Klonopin to help me take a nap.  Not because I was tired, per se, just because I didn't want to deal with...well...anything.

Up: I got a new kitten!  He's a Russian Blue and adorable- about 2 months old.  I told my husband and he didn't get totally pissed (or, if he did, he didn't let on).

Down: As I was walking to the car after getting the kitty, I immediately felt overwhelmed.  Like, what the heck am I doing?  I already have two (not to mention the one and the dog that my husband has at our house).  My cats are already traumatized enough from moving to a new place, and I'm going to bring in a new cat less than a week later?  Am I ready for this?  What if my cats don't like him?  What if he tears up the furniture and carpet and I get totally screwed for my security deposit, plus some?

Up: I read the American Girl Feelings book that my therapist lent me.  (I know, American Girl for a 29-year old?)  But they are pretty cute and address a lot of the issues I'm dealing with.  OK, not the sexaholism, but the identification of feelings, reaching out to people when you need help, etc.  You know, all those things that my family fucked me over on while I was growing up.

Down: Stuffed my face with my Pizza Hut leftovers...then ordered some more Pizza Hut...lord help me!

Up: Seinfeld, The Office, and Futurama reruns.  Pretty good considering I have no DVDs for the DVD player and I have yet to figure out how to connect my computer to the TV to watch streaming videos.

Down: Condo is already getting messy.  It wouldn't take me too long to clean it, I'll admit.  But do I intend to?  Probably not.

-------------------------

So anyway, my biggest dilemma of the day is: WHAT DO I NAME THE KITTY!??!  I'm going to try to post a picture of him (although I just realized that I have my camera but not the battery charger, so we'll see if it's got enough juice left).  His original name is Scooter, but I'm thinking negatory on that one.  Any ideas?

How I Went From "Happily Married" To "Uncertainly Separated"

I've decided that today I will post the letter that I wrote to my husband that got me to where I am today: living on my own (well, with my cats) after only 2.5 years of marriage.  There's obviously much more back story left to tell, but let me preface it with this:


My husband is a sex addict.  He broke the trust in our relationship many, many times.  Luckily (as far as I know, anyway), the acting out was never with another person-- it was with the internet, with pornography.  Almost exactly a year ago, the shit hit the fan when I discovered that he was still engaging in behaviors that he had promised me he would stop.  We separated briefly and began attending marriage counseling.  I agreed to stay with him (despite all the research I had done on annulments and divorce), and in addition to couple's therapy we each had our own therapist.  My husband began attending Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) meetings and prior to this current separation had recently received his nine month sobriety chip.


Despite all the work we were both putting in and despite incremental improvements, our relationship was incredibly rocky.  His codependency was getting worse, and I was withdrawing and avoiding him.  Our sex life was non-existent.  I was compulsively reading books on how to improve my sex drive and doing anything I could think of to save the physical relationship.


Then one day, I was feeling overwhelmed-- about our cluttered house, of all things!  I was so upset; I think frustration about our relationship combined with feeling like a "bad wife" for not keeping the house clean (and not having sex with my husband) were dragging me down.  I was nearly hysterical as I tried to explain to my husband how our physical surroundings were negatively affecting my mental health and that I was so overwhelmed that I didn't know where to start.


Tears streaming down my face, my husband decided that it would be a perfect time to remind me how sexually frustrated he was (like I wasn't constantly aware of this).  He said, "I feel like I can't even touch you."  I sat listening to the verbal onslaught, his words stung like slaps across my face and my tears started to burn my cheeks.  I could not believe that he thought that this was the appropriate time to bring this up.  I couldn't believe, for that matter, that he would EVER bring this up considering that this topic weighed over our household on a daily basis.


I just couldn't do it anymore.  I needed to get out, to breathe.  I wrote him a letter that I ended up giving to him after we discussed the separation, mostly because I wanted him to know how hurt I was.  Here is that letter:

Michael,

We need a break.  I no longer feel that I can give you the level of attention you need.  I feel like I am trying to fill a bottomless pit and that is an impossible task. Despite (what I believe to be) my best efforts at physical intimacy, I am time and time again faced with the realization that it isn't enough.  This further reinforces the feelings that overwhelmed me during the first 1.5 years of our marriage-- that I was not enough and would never be enough to satisfy your physical and emotional needs/demands.  I feel as though every effort I make to enhance this part of the relationship is countered by reminders that it just isn't enough.

I am done feeling inadequate and I am done doing things that make me feel uncomfortable in hopes that it will be enough to keep you sufficiently satisfied and "off my back about it" so that I can have time to deal with my own issues.  I am sick of having a constant (nearly daily) reminder that I am the cause of your frustration, loneliness, and feeling unloved. You will never feel truly romantically loved by a partner if you continue to tie your entire self-worth to that person's physical and verbal interactions with you.  You will also never feel truly loved by anyone until you truly love yourself.  This is something that, as you know, I am also struggling with.  But I know that I will never be able to truly love myself if I continue to acquiesce in situations in which I am uncomfortable only to be reminded a day or two later that it wasn't enough.  I do not want to be responsible for making you whole, especially when I feel that spending time with you makes me less whole.

I realize that I am not blameless in this.  But I think that in a much different way than you might imagine.  Rather than feel guilty for not being more physical with you, I instead take the blame for allowing myself to ever feel guilty about it. I regret allowing myself to fall into the thinking that sex is "the most important thing" and the barometer against which I measure the success of our recovery, both as individuals and as a couple.  Rather than accepting and really believing that sex is just the "cherry on top," I repeatedly berated myself and suffered self-imposed guilt and blame for being the one who was slowing killing the relationship (guilt and blame that were constantly reinforced via physical and verbal pressure from you, including more subtle forms of pressure like pouting and withdrawal).

I have decided that I will never be successful in improving my self-worth if I am in a situation where my inward-focus is interpreted as "not loving my husband" or "not trying hard enough to fix this marriage."  Perhaps you will say that you don't think these things, but I do and the thoughts are reinforced through our everyday interactions.  There is no way I will learn to value myself surrounded by constant reminders that my only intrinsic value is my ability to make another person feel whole/complete/loved.  That is not all I am good for and it is not my job.

Yet again, I let myself believe the lie that if I truly forgave you for the pain that your addiction caused, I would be willing to engage in a more physical relationship with you.  But this could not be further from the truth.  I am learning that the key to getting past this is not to throw myself into a sexual relationship that I do not want with the person that hurt me. Instead, I need to build up my own self esteem and value myself to the point where I realize that I have more to offer than my physical body.  I regret being so disillusioned that I thought that if I could just fix the "sex thing," everything would be fine.  How did I ever expect myself to want to engage in sexual relations with someone whose words and actions constantly reminded me that that and that alone was necessary to show him that I loved him?  It's no wonder none of it was working-- I was trying to persuade myself into having sex with you to prove to myself that sex wasn't the only thing you wanted from me! How foolish I have been.

I honestly don’t know what the future of this marriage is, nor do I even know what I want it to be.  On second thought, I do know a bit of what I want it to be.  I want my marriage to energize me, not drain me and leave me emotionally exhausted.  I want to look forward to being with my husband, not dread it.  I want to feel valued for something other than my sexuality, not reminded that the  only way for my husband to feel loved is for me to "give in" to situations that make me uncomfortable.  But mostly, I want to be a whole person who is married to another whole person.  I don’t want to be anyone's mother, therapist, provider, or motivation.  I want to be a supporter, yes.  An advocate, yes.  A respected friend, most of all.

And somewhere along the line I think we lost our friendship (which probably isn’t a bad thing considering how unhealthy and codependent our friendship has been from the very beginning).  I don’t feel like we have ever had a healthy friendship, which is not to say that forming one is impossible.  But it is certainly impossible if one of the conditions of the friendship is that one person is expected to validate the other's self-worth by "putting out" on a regular basis.  That's not what friendship is about.  And I really do want a marriage that, at its core, is a friendship.

Anyway, I am sure all of this is a bitter pill to swallow.  I apologize if it seems that I am blaming you for all the issues we have at the moment.  I am determined to take a moral inventory and accept and own all of the things that I have done to contribute to the current state of our relationship.  But this (along with the other work I need to do) cannot occur in our current environment.  I feel that my objectives can only be achieved alone.  And for that I need time.

I realize that I am basically giving you no real option in this proposal.  I hope that we can agree that a trial separation will help both of us decide how/if this relationship should move forward.  If you are not willing to accept this proposal, I must tell you that I do plan on separating anyway.  But I feel it would be much more productive if we did so on mutually agreed upon terms and conditions.  My hope is for us to discuss these conditions sooner rather than later so that we can initiate this separation period ASAP so I (and you, if you so choose) can address the personal issues that are making it so difficult for me to see the value in continuing this relationship.  The sooner I (we) have time to thoroughly (separately) assess ourselves and our roles in this relationship, the better.

Love, 

Olivia

Maladaptive Behaviors I Gravitate Towards Despite Their Negative Consequences

After going over all of the healthy behaviors that I go out of my way to avoid, I've decided to dedicate this post to the all of the maladaptive behaviors that I gravitate towards in times of stress, depression, and anxiety.  (I'll try to avoid the obvious "opposites" of the healthy behaviors that I avoid, such as idleness, going days without bathing, isolating myself, and letting the house become a pigsty.)


1. Addictive behaviors (duh): Alcohol, anti-anxiety medication, excessive eating, sleep, porn, caffeine...have I left anything out?  I dodged the gambling addiction, not really into illegal drugs (anymore).  I don't over-exercise, that's for sure.  Oh, how could I forget shopping?!?!  I love spending money when I feel like crap.  There's just something about making a purchase that gives me a little "high."


2. Letting myself go, physically: This is a little more than just avoiding baths and showers.  I'm talking I skip getting the eyebrows fixed up, I avoid the q-tips.  I don't wash my face; I definitely don't shave.  I wear the same clothes around the house day in and day out.  I dress myself like a vagabond and hide my figure at all costs.  Of course, in doing all of this, I feel worse about myself and just perpetuate the cycle.


3. Searching for affirmation from less than desirable sources: The guy who cleans the tables at McDonald's hits on me?  SCORE!  A guy honks at me while I cross the street?  DOUBLE SCORE?  OK, but not really.  Couple this with #2 above, and I actually feel worse about myself because I know that there's no way these guys are actually attracted to me-- I mean, I haven't bathed, I'm poorly clothed, and if they got close enough to me they would realize that I smell like shit to boot.


4. Keeping myself (alone and) busy: Now, this is a tricky one.  You'd think that keeping yourself busy would be the perfect way to deal with all those negative feelings you have boiling up inside of you.  For me, that's not so.  I fill my time with inane activities: watching movies I've seen a MILLION times, occupying myself by starting a new venture (like a blog, a store on Etsy), picking up a craft project that I haven't finished yet...these all sound well and good, but I am realizing that many times I do these things to keep my mind busy so that I don't have to actually FEEL anything.  As long as my mind is busy, I have no time to feel sad, anxious, or lonely.  Filling my time with random activities is akin to taking anti-anxiety medication when I don't need it.  It's a way to numb myself so I don't have to feel.


So I guess this post really isn't the antithesis to the last post that I expected it to be.  It turns out that most of the good behaviors that I avoid are kind of the same as the bad behaviors I turn to...granted, there are some minor differences, but it all leads to one logical conclusion:


I have no idea how to deal with my feelings.


Hell, I have no idea how to identify my feelings, which I assume needs to happen before I can deal with them.  This seems like such an overwhelming task that I don't even know where to begin.  I'm sure attending a meeting or two would help...if I could just get the motivation.

Easy Ways to Make Myself Feel Better That I Avoid

In trying times, most of us know what we need to do to make ourselves feel better.  But why is so difficult to actually do those things?  Why do we (I?) instead make deliberate choices to either 1) not do those things, or 2) do things that make us feel worse?


I've lived like this for so long that I really don't know any different.  Truthfully, I believe that part of it was learned in high school when I would try to do things that I enjoyed only to be told that I was lazy or wasting my time.  So instead of doing the things that I rationally know will make me feel good, I create excuses to avoid them.  Or I replace them with activities that will make me feel worse.  For example:


1. Yoga: Why oh why do I avoid yoga?  It's offered to me practically free once a week at the gym at work.  I have a yoga mat, I know the basic moves.  I have a few DVDs-- I even have iPod apps dedicated to the topic.  I feel so much better after I do it.  And yet, the excuses are many (and flimsy).  I don’t have time, I’m tired, I don’t want to have to take a shower afterwards, I would rather read my book during my lunch than work out, and on and on.


2. Taking a Shower/Bath: So often when I am depressed or apathetic, I go for days without bathing.  It’s a catch-22, because that usually makes me more depressed and less likely to finally just bite the bullet and do it.  But is there anything better than getting out of the shower and feeling clean and fresh?  But it just takes so much effort (OK, I know it really doesn’t, but this is what I tell myself when I am coming up with excuses to avoid it).  I’m tired, I would rather crash on the couch, I don’t feel like standing up so long (yes, I actually think that!), I don’t want to wait for my hair to dry, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, so what’s the point?


3. Reaching out to Friends: Isolating yourself in low times is by far one of the worst things you can do.  Yet, it’s my first line of defense.  I would much rather be miserable by myself; I don’t want to bitch and moan to my friends about my (sometimes relatively insignificant) problems.  I want to stay at home, ignore phone calls (and sometimes texts and emails), knowing full well that I am nearly always energized when I talk to or see friends.  It’s another “rock and a hard place” situation because the more I avoid my friends, the more guilt and fear that I have that they will eventually give up on our friendship because I am so unavailable.


4. Clean the House: OK, maybe not clean, but at least straighten up.  I’m really trying to be better about this in my new place and it’s been easier because it’s much smaller than the house my husband and I were sharing.  Granted, the actual cleaning isn’t all that uplifting.  But there really is something to be said for sitting down in a nicely cleaned room.  It just makes you feel at peace, no matter what you’re doing.  My goal for the new place is to just not let it get out of hand like I did at home.  So maybe this will be one of those things that I won’t have to avoid because it won’t become a problem.  (Cross your fingers.)


Do you consciously avoid doing things that you know will make you feel better?  Do you know why you do it?


Do you replace those activities with others that actually make you feel more disgusted with yourself?  I’ll address those maladaptive behaviors tomorrow!

Living Oblivious vs. Facing Your Demons

I went back to work today for the first time since the move.  I could definitely feel that a load of stress had been lifted...work didn't seem quite so tedious, nor did I dread going home.  When I got back to the condo, it was so pleasant to walk in and not have to deal with anyone but my cats.  The place was empty, quiet, mostly clean, and in a way-- inviting.

As I settled in for the night, I couldn't help but think that maybe this life is what I want.  Isn't that what anyone wants?  Independence?  Freedom?  Less stress?

But then I realized something- yes, this would be the life I would have if I didn't work on any of my problems (i.e. if I lived "obliviously").  That's one thing that this marriage has forced me to do-- face my demons and examine all of my own issues, as painful as they may be.

If I were to divorce my husband now, well, I'd enjoy the independence, freedom, and calm, but they would only last so long.  Deep inside, I would still have these emotional scars, coaddictive and addictive behaviors, and control issues to work on.  I know myself, and I know that if I cut ties with him completely, I would go about my life stifling all of the deep-seated issues...I would just put it off, ignore it, hope it goes away.  But the second I found myself in a another relationship, it would be deja vu all over again.

So I guess the options are:

1. Work on issues now and try to reunite with my husband once I have my shit straight;
2. Work on issues now and realize I don't want to be with my husband;
3. Leave my husband and ignore the issues, only to have them creep up in my life at a later point in time; or,
4. Leave my husband and ignore the issues, and avoid future romantic relationships at all costs because I will undoubtedly attract the same kind of man.

For now my focus is behind door number one.  I did not go into this separation as a time to contemplate the merits of the relationship; I went into the separation knowing that I needed to focus on myself (and that he needed to do the same) to see if we could work it out together in the end.

But the ignoring, the oblivion is so tempting.  Hell, I could live here as long as I want.  I can afford it.  It's a decent place.  My cats will (eventually) get used to it.  No headaches caused by "roommate" or "spousal" issues.  No fighting, no hurt feelings, no neediness.  It all sounds too good to be true!

However, I know that if I choose to ignore all of it, I would eventually end up lonely and (even more) depressed.  I'm already isolating myself from friends...I would end up the cat lady who dies in her apartment and whose cats eat her face off cause no one knows she's dead for days after she croaks.

So I guess there's something to be said for being married/in a committed relationship.  At least there's someone who knows when you're dead so they can keep the cats from devouring you.  Are there any other pluses you can think of?

My Aversion to 12-Step Programs

Powerlessness 
I'm not a huge fan of 12-step programs for a variety of reasons.  For example, the first two steps in any of these programs are: 


1. "We admitted we were powerless over [insert addiction here]--that our lives had become unmanageable."


2. "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."


*note that the work "Power" is actually capitalized in the AA literature*
 
My issue here is the idea of letting go of all control or responsibility for the addiction and its consequences.  This does not sit well with me.  According to the program, I am supposed to buy into the idea that there is a "Power" greater than myself that will show me the light and help me conquer my addiction.  But what about my role in my recovery?  I got myself into this mess-- shouldn't I share some (if not all) of the responsibility in getting out of it?


An Alternative
Thank god (with a small "g") that I was able to find an alternative to 12-stepping for my own recovery from alcohol addiction-- a wonderful organization called SOS (Save Ourselves) that is based on the principle that we are not powerless.  In fact, our powerfulness is what enables us to conquer our addiction.  There is no higher power, there are no steps, there is no "Big Book" (which is essentially the Bible of AA), there is no prayer, there are no "chips," cross-talk* is allowed and encouraged, and you are allowed to mention books and article other than the pre-approved program literature (imagine that!).


*Note: "Cross talk is when two individuals engage in conversation excluding all others. Each person is free to express his or her feelings without interruptions.Cross talk can also be identified as someone making “I can relate to you because…” or “I can’t relate to you because…” comments, laughing, asking questions, and so on. We don’t have to be legalistic about it, but we must be very careful not to offend anyone. If this guideline is abused someone may get very hurt and give up on recovery altogether."


Oh no!  So someone's feelings might get hurt if someone tries to relate to them?  We have to make sure not to offend anyone even though we are all there to help each other?  I don't know about you, but the reason I go to my SOS meetings is to ask for advice on my situation from people who have been there, done that.  12-steppers love to say that one of the best parts of the meetings is realizing that they are not alone...yet they insist that the meeting participants keep each other at arm's length for fear of offending someone?  This does not make sense to me.


A "Higher Power"
Now 12-steppers around the world will tell you that the "Higher Power" referred to in AA/NA/OA/SA, etc meetings and literature is not God, per se, but instead "God as we understand Him."  Yet six of the twelve steps refer specifically to "God" or "Him," which makes it really difficult to believe the steppers when they tell you that it's not really about God, it's about "spirituality."

What it boils down to is that, to accept the 12 steps, you have to be willing to turn your inner power over to an outside source-- a "Higher Power"-- and that's something I am just not comfortable with.  At least not in my recovery from alcoholism.


Can I blend SOS and the 12 Steps?
I discussed this with my therapist last week, as I had attended my first two S-Anon meetings (a 12 step program for family members and friends affect by a "sexaholic").  I was feeling confused about how I could continue to maintain my personal principles of alcoholism recovery that led me to SOS in the face of what appears to be rapid indoctrination of the 12 steps at the S-Anon meetings.

We came to the conclusion that there is a way to do this (and really, I have no choice considering that S-Anon and other step-based programs are the only resource I was able to find for this particular issue).  Basically, if I change the wording of the first step to say:


"1. We admitted we were powerless over our partner's sexual addiction--that our lives had become unmanageable."


Well, no argument from me on that one.  I've learned over the past few years that I am definitely powerless over my husband's sexual addiction, despite many, many efforts to control it/him.  And a lot of my issues (that I am supposed to be working on during this trial separation) are about control.  So this seems like a good starting point.


Now, as for the second step (and we haven't even begun to touch numbers 3-12), I am not so sure.  But I need to remember that this is a process, and it's going to take time.  I'm still accepting the truth of the first step - there's still part of me that believes I can control my husband's behavior/addiction/acting out.  Once I fully believe and accept this first step, I will tackle the rest.  For now, I need to sit with this one, contemplate, and really and truly believe it before I can move on.

Taking the Low Road

Well, I knew I couldn't quite trust myself not to engage in some kind of addictive behavior through this trial separation...I was already working up to it in the weeks before the separation-- a sip of wine here, a couple Klonopins (sp?) there, even acting out in sexual ways by looking at porn; shopping, overeating, overspending, etc.

Luckily, the cheap side of me refuses to purchase alcohol.  The issue is when it's offered to me for free.  Definitely hard to resist.

As for the anti-anxiety medication, it's supposed to help calm me on plane trips.  Lately, though, I have been using it to numb the pain.

The porn thing- well, I think that has something to do with "payback"-- after all, my husband's sexual addiction is one of the main reasons we are in this mess today.  Not that I don't share much of the fault myself.

Shopping, overeating, overspending...I am really trying to control the shopping and the overspending because I am already having to spend so much on this new place to live and all of the necessary accoutrements that come with moving.  I'm trying to keep it on the cheap, but god knows all that shit can really add up.

Overeating- well, I have been really surprised because it seems that, so far, I am doing OK with that.  I think I was overeating more when I was at home. Then again, I've only been gone less than 24 hours.  It helps that my fridge is practically barren, though.

So I guess when I say "taking the low road," I am referring mostly to the anti-anxiety medication.  I'm not supposed to take it just for the hell of it, but damn it does a good job of knocking me out so I don't have to think or feel anything.  I guess that's the type of issue I am going to be dealing with in my S-Anon group.

Speaking of, there's a meeting tonight at 7:30.  Not sure if I will be able to go; it will all depend on whether or not the Klonopin has worked its way out of my system.  I don't like to drive on benzos, and part of my wants to avoid the meeting even though I know it would be beneficial.  We shall see.  There's still 5 hours to go on that.  Perhaps I will lay down for a nap and see what time I wake up.

On a brighter note, the condo is nearly totally clean; the laundry is mostly done, and I finally took a shower (I think it had been 3-4 days.)  I haven't figured out how to get any of the TV to work (not basic cable or even hooking up my computer to the TV).  So that makes it kind of boring.  I was thinking of getting a puzzle or something to work on.  We shall see.