Obligation

I've lived my entire life with the understanding that it's absolutely imperative to meet your obligations.  Obligations to school, family, friends, your job.  But one thing that was never mentioned to me, never taught to me, was the obligation that we all have to ourselves.


The obligation to self, IF it appears on one's list of obligations, usually takes last place.  We're raised to believe that everyone else's needs and wants come first...to put ourselves on top of the list is to be selfish, arrogant.


I'm trying to learn to let go of obligations...OK, not altogether, but I'm learning to put MYSELF first and reduce and prioritize my obligations that come after that.


It's funny, though.  While I'm trying to let go of obligations, I recognize that my intense sense of obligation is what got me here today.  And I'm GLAD that I am in the situation that I am in.


In this case, the sense of obligation that I felt was not toward my husband...but to marriage itself.  I had my foot out the door-- I researched divorce, I was ready to go.  But you know what?  I said vows; I got into a LEGALLY BINDING contract when I got married.  I felt more obliged to that piece of paper than I did to the actual person I married.


But if not for my sense of obligation to that contract, I wouldn't have even tried to work through this with my husband.  If we were just dating, I would have brushed him off, dusted myself off, and moved onto the next (dysfunctional) relationship.  But god knows it would have been more dysfunctional than this one.  And the next, even more so.  And so on and so forth until I finally just gave up on men altogether (at least that's the future I foresee for myself...!)


So here I am.  Working my ass off, putting myself on the line, trying to improve myself and form a functional half of a hopefully functional whole relationship.  I have to admit that at first I resented the obligation, and I only accepted it begrudgingly.  But I would remiss to not admit that I am grateful for this opportunity.  Regardless of how my marriage ends up, I will be a better person for it.  It's exhausting, and I certainly don't enjoy every minute of it.  It's a huge pain in the ass and I'm tired most of the time.  I go through fits and starts.  But this is only the beginning of a very long journey.  A lifetime journey.


At any rate, I'm going to try to let this obligation to the marriage contract be the LAST obligation that I let dictate my life.  It's not healthy to do, say, or feel things because you think that's how you HAVE to be, talk, or feel.  It leads to guilt and resentment and it leads to poor self-care.  I don't care what anyone else says or tries to make me feel- I come first.  My only obligation is MYSELF.  And I'll be DAMNED if anyone tries to make me feel bad about that.