Taking the Low Road

Well, I knew I couldn't quite trust myself not to engage in some kind of addictive behavior through this trial separation...I was already working up to it in the weeks before the separation-- a sip of wine here, a couple Klonopins (sp?) there, even acting out in sexual ways by looking at porn; shopping, overeating, overspending, etc.

Luckily, the cheap side of me refuses to purchase alcohol.  The issue is when it's offered to me for free.  Definitely hard to resist.

As for the anti-anxiety medication, it's supposed to help calm me on plane trips.  Lately, though, I have been using it to numb the pain.

The porn thing- well, I think that has something to do with "payback"-- after all, my husband's sexual addiction is one of the main reasons we are in this mess today.  Not that I don't share much of the fault myself.

Shopping, overeating, overspending...I am really trying to control the shopping and the overspending because I am already having to spend so much on this new place to live and all of the necessary accoutrements that come with moving.  I'm trying to keep it on the cheap, but god knows all that shit can really add up.

Overeating- well, I have been really surprised because it seems that, so far, I am doing OK with that.  I think I was overeating more when I was at home. Then again, I've only been gone less than 24 hours.  It helps that my fridge is practically barren, though.

So I guess when I say "taking the low road," I am referring mostly to the anti-anxiety medication.  I'm not supposed to take it just for the hell of it, but damn it does a good job of knocking me out so I don't have to think or feel anything.  I guess that's the type of issue I am going to be dealing with in my S-Anon group.

Speaking of, there's a meeting tonight at 7:30.  Not sure if I will be able to go; it will all depend on whether or not the Klonopin has worked its way out of my system.  I don't like to drive on benzos, and part of my wants to avoid the meeting even though I know it would be beneficial.  We shall see.  There's still 5 hours to go on that.  Perhaps I will lay down for a nap and see what time I wake up.

On a brighter note, the condo is nearly totally clean; the laundry is mostly done, and I finally took a shower (I think it had been 3-4 days.)  I haven't figured out how to get any of the TV to work (not basic cable or even hooking up my computer to the TV).  So that makes it kind of boring.  I was thinking of getting a puzzle or something to work on.  We shall see.