Self Care Goals

Believe me, I'm not totally over Holly's death.  But I am getting to the point where I am starting to get back to normal.  There have been some things I have been meaning to write down (that aren't related to Holly).  One of those topics is self care.


I realize that one of the main routes to high(er) self esteem is self care.  And I am aware that self care doesn't really have to be all that difficult, and yet I don't really do much of it.  And that which I DO do, I don't do on a regular basis.

So rather than write this list in my little notebook that I carry around with me, I decided to put it into words on my blog.  Some of this stuff may sound a little ridiculous, but even simple things escape me sometimes, especially in stressful times (like now).

• Take a shower at least every other day.
• Paint my fingernails occasionally and remove old polish when it starts to chip.
• Keep toenails clipped and occasionally painted.
• Apply Retinol cream under eyes every night.
• Keep eyebrows groomed.
• Re-vamp wardrobe.
• Wash face before bed, even if it just means using those face wipe things.
• Play around with clip in hair extensions I got.
• Play around with makeup that I have and see if I can come up with a simple way to wear it on occasion.
• At least wear mascara and lip gloss everyday.
• Wear new, clean underwear every day.
• Before I actually have time/money for my new wardrobe, wear the best outfits I can come up with with what's already in my closet.
• Throw away any and all clothes/socks/underwear with holes or that just aren't flattering at all.
• Wear more skirts/dresses.
• Brush teeth every day, even if I am not going out anywhere.
• Use sleep apnea machine (CPAP) every night.
• Wear perfume everyday that I go to work, even if that means my supply is dwindling.
• Exercise more, eat better.

So, obviously, some of these things are more important than others.  I'm not going to try to tackle everything all at one time, even though I feel like most people are able to do these things without consciously thinking about them.

The exercise and eating better are monumental, I know, but those that will probably be the hardest to change.  That would make my new wardrobe plan more exciting.  But whatever.  I need to work on the way I present myself outwardly or I will never feel better about myself inwardly.  I really, really can't wait to get some new clothes.

As for getting in the "mood" to wear dresses, I don't know how one does that.  I have dresses and skirts that are cute, but I can't seem to ever be in the mood to wear them.  It's just so much damned work.  I do need to get some slips and pantyhose...maybe if I just bit the bullet and got those things from my clothing budget, I would be more likely to wear the nicer clothes that I already own.


EDIT: SOME GOALS I FORGOT!  DUH!

• Shave legs WAY more often.  Even though it's winter.
• Floss more often.

Obligation

I've lived my entire life with the understanding that it's absolutely imperative to meet your obligations.  Obligations to school, family, friends, your job.  But one thing that was never mentioned to me, never taught to me, was the obligation that we all have to ourselves.


The obligation to self, IF it appears on one's list of obligations, usually takes last place.  We're raised to believe that everyone else's needs and wants come first...to put ourselves on top of the list is to be selfish, arrogant.


I'm trying to learn to let go of obligations...OK, not altogether, but I'm learning to put MYSELF first and reduce and prioritize my obligations that come after that.


It's funny, though.  While I'm trying to let go of obligations, I recognize that my intense sense of obligation is what got me here today.  And I'm GLAD that I am in the situation that I am in.


In this case, the sense of obligation that I felt was not toward my husband...but to marriage itself.  I had my foot out the door-- I researched divorce, I was ready to go.  But you know what?  I said vows; I got into a LEGALLY BINDING contract when I got married.  I felt more obliged to that piece of paper than I did to the actual person I married.


But if not for my sense of obligation to that contract, I wouldn't have even tried to work through this with my husband.  If we were just dating, I would have brushed him off, dusted myself off, and moved onto the next (dysfunctional) relationship.  But god knows it would have been more dysfunctional than this one.  And the next, even more so.  And so on and so forth until I finally just gave up on men altogether (at least that's the future I foresee for myself...!)


So here I am.  Working my ass off, putting myself on the line, trying to improve myself and form a functional half of a hopefully functional whole relationship.  I have to admit that at first I resented the obligation, and I only accepted it begrudgingly.  But I would remiss to not admit that I am grateful for this opportunity.  Regardless of how my marriage ends up, I will be a better person for it.  It's exhausting, and I certainly don't enjoy every minute of it.  It's a huge pain in the ass and I'm tired most of the time.  I go through fits and starts.  But this is only the beginning of a very long journey.  A lifetime journey.


At any rate, I'm going to try to let this obligation to the marriage contract be the LAST obligation that I let dictate my life.  It's not healthy to do, say, or feel things because you think that's how you HAVE to be, talk, or feel.  It leads to guilt and resentment and it leads to poor self-care.  I don't care what anyone else says or tries to make me feel- I come first.  My only obligation is MYSELF.  And I'll be DAMNED if anyone tries to make me feel bad about that.

Easy Ways to Make Myself Feel Better That I Avoid

In trying times, most of us know what we need to do to make ourselves feel better.  But why is so difficult to actually do those things?  Why do we (I?) instead make deliberate choices to either 1) not do those things, or 2) do things that make us feel worse?


I've lived like this for so long that I really don't know any different.  Truthfully, I believe that part of it was learned in high school when I would try to do things that I enjoyed only to be told that I was lazy or wasting my time.  So instead of doing the things that I rationally know will make me feel good, I create excuses to avoid them.  Or I replace them with activities that will make me feel worse.  For example:


1. Yoga: Why oh why do I avoid yoga?  It's offered to me practically free once a week at the gym at work.  I have a yoga mat, I know the basic moves.  I have a few DVDs-- I even have iPod apps dedicated to the topic.  I feel so much better after I do it.  And yet, the excuses are many (and flimsy).  I don’t have time, I’m tired, I don’t want to have to take a shower afterwards, I would rather read my book during my lunch than work out, and on and on.


2. Taking a Shower/Bath: So often when I am depressed or apathetic, I go for days without bathing.  It’s a catch-22, because that usually makes me more depressed and less likely to finally just bite the bullet and do it.  But is there anything better than getting out of the shower and feeling clean and fresh?  But it just takes so much effort (OK, I know it really doesn’t, but this is what I tell myself when I am coming up with excuses to avoid it).  I’m tired, I would rather crash on the couch, I don’t feel like standing up so long (yes, I actually think that!), I don’t want to wait for my hair to dry, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, so what’s the point?


3. Reaching out to Friends: Isolating yourself in low times is by far one of the worst things you can do.  Yet, it’s my first line of defense.  I would much rather be miserable by myself; I don’t want to bitch and moan to my friends about my (sometimes relatively insignificant) problems.  I want to stay at home, ignore phone calls (and sometimes texts and emails), knowing full well that I am nearly always energized when I talk to or see friends.  It’s another “rock and a hard place” situation because the more I avoid my friends, the more guilt and fear that I have that they will eventually give up on our friendship because I am so unavailable.


4. Clean the House: OK, maybe not clean, but at least straighten up.  I’m really trying to be better about this in my new place and it’s been easier because it’s much smaller than the house my husband and I were sharing.  Granted, the actual cleaning isn’t all that uplifting.  But there really is something to be said for sitting down in a nicely cleaned room.  It just makes you feel at peace, no matter what you’re doing.  My goal for the new place is to just not let it get out of hand like I did at home.  So maybe this will be one of those things that I won’t have to avoid because it won’t become a problem.  (Cross your fingers.)


Do you consciously avoid doing things that you know will make you feel better?  Do you know why you do it?


Do you replace those activities with others that actually make you feel more disgusted with yourself?  I’ll address those maladaptive behaviors tomorrow!